Five hours left. It was already 7:15 a.m. and I'd been awake for almost thirty-two hours. I hadn't showered in two days, but didn't find a need to since i was trapped in my apt, sitting on the same smudged sheet that had been there for the past week, and looking at the same canvas that had only changed slightly in the past week as well. After working on my final oil painting project for the longest time, it had come down to these final hours. At 12:15 on that stressful April morning, my work would be scrutinized and critiqued in front of the entire class and compared to the rest of my classmates. I wanted mine to be the very best of class, but apparently I hadn't cared about this enough to start the project three weeks sooner. My procrastination had finally caught up to me and I was stressed trying to not only finish the project, but trying to make it the best of the best. Not an enjoyable process on such a short time schedule. My hands shook as I tried to continue marking out the final strokes. My sleep-deprived body wanted to stop, but my mind was racing telling it to keep going.
Suddenly 10:45 a.m. crept up on me. Time just wasn't cooperating with me! At 10:56, reality hits and I'm looking at this half-finished painting that lacked two very important elements in order to fulfill the assignment. I had to give up. But something within me told me, DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP GOING! This duality of thought suddenly became too much for me handle and I started hyperventilating. I was no longer focusing on the painting, but now was sitting on the floor thinking of all the times I could have been working on this painting two--even three--weeks ago. My breath becomes short and quick. My chest heaves, and suddenly I'm gasping in order to get any air. My body is rocking back and forth with the movement of my breathing--all I'm focusing on now is my breathing. In this instant, I realize something has gone terribly wrong inside me and that realization forms hot tears in my eyes. The only thing I want now is not an A on my homework; I want for someone to comfort me and hold me. But I'm alone. And the only thing I can think of that will make me feel better is to reach out to someone I love. I grab my phone and text the person who matters most.
Me: I don't think I can get it done, Eric. I'm running out of time.
Eric T: You still have a couple more hours. Just keep going. Guess what I'm doing right now
Me: What
Eric T: Wandering around town while my car is getting fixed
Me: That's exciting. Guess what I'm doing right now. Having a nervous breakdown
Me: I'm breathing really heavy and can't catch my breath. I just don't think i'll be able to finish
Eric T: Do you want me to call you?
Me: No I need to keep working on my painting. Every minute is important.
Me: I think I'm going to cry.
At this point my phone rings. Its Eric. Like any sensible, caring boyfriend would, he takes matters into his own hands and calls me anyway. I answer the phone and can only say short sentences through my altered breathing. He speaks slowly to calm me down and tries to talk some sense into me.
"It's okay, Jeanette. Breathe... Its just an assignment. You have over an hour left to work on it. And even if you can't finish it in time, its not the end of the world...okay?"
I can only gasp for air. I try to say words, but I have nothing that will make sense.
"Listen to me. You're not going to text me or anyone else until after you're done--until after the class is over. Just do as much as you can in an hour and thats all you need to do. Okay?"
I don't actually think he's right about my situation; I'm doomed in my eyes. But I agree anyway and he's satisfied with letting me go.
After I hung up with Eric, I let it sink in that I really couldn't do anything other than my best within the next hour. I accepted his wise words and was able to get a grasp on my overactive brain.
After a quick nervous breakdown, and receiving some comforting words from a loved one, I was finally ready to whip out this painting and hand it in. Luckily for me, I was actually able to get the painting to look completed and handed in on time. Not only that, but it received wonderful reviews from my peers and teacher. How lucky I was to get that painting done in time.
Now you'd think that after an experience like this, I'd learn my lesson and start all my assignments on time in order to save myself the stress of the last minute rush. Afterall, I'm not the kind of person to have a nervous breakdown so obviously I'd fallen pretty far. But time heals all wounds and how easy it is to forget the pain that was felt that night--and that entire week. Since then, I've procrastinated many things--overcoming bad habits, setting important appointments, paying off credit cards, fixing broken car windows, starting a strict diet, and even still starting on homework--including this essay. What's worse is that its all the important things that I'm procrastinating.
And I'm not the only one who falls into this vicious pattern. Apparently there are so many people out there who do the same things as I do and procrastinate anything that seems too difficult or painful to start right away. Its part of our nature as humans to want to put things off, I suppose.
There are so many books, flyers, websites, and motivational speakers that try to help us overcome this "disease" of procrastination. These resources come from people who, perhaps, have gone through the same pain as I experienced with my oil painting project--people who have seen the serious affects procrastination can have on a person's life. To them, putting off your duties to the very last minute isn't something to joke about, but a serious matter that needs to be addressed and over come.
But even with all these resources, too many people find humor in accepting their procrastinating ways and accepting it as who they are. Even after going through a nervous breakdown for only the second time in my life, I still join the crowd who laughs at procrastination. I guess deep down I believe Ellen Degeneres when she says,
"Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off."
3 comments:
Your paper was a wonderful way to put off writing my reviews of the 3 people down on the list...Thank you!! I didn't want to stop procrastinating. The only problem with your paper was the length, too short. I wanted to postpone my assignment a bit longer.
Really enjoyed the links, especially the move the cube game. The first couple of times I tried it, I could not get the red cube to move. Never lasted more than a second. "Oh, a challenge." I thought. Segway complete, procrastination in full effect.
Links were wonderful."Hot Tears," was particularly fitting.
"After that critique, I was extremely relieved to have finished in time--and to have lucked out in getting the project done in time."
The above sentence makes sense, but the reading pace slowed.
I liked how you incorporated your observation directly into your writing in little snippets throughout. This is something I was not able to accomplish. Very well done.
I thought your essay post was great. I felt that the length was appropriate and that it didn't drag on very long.
Your links were also well placed. The post as a whole was very interactive and had great flow to it. You provided great detail from observation and recall. The conversation was also very appropriate. The only thing was that I wanted to know more about the conversation. Maybe by giving more background on your relationship (i.e. is he family, friend, boyfriend, ect), and how he has helped you out in the past.
All in all I think this essay was very effective because almost everyone can relate to it. As a film major I know first hand the feeling you get when you put something off for too long. I have experienced the cold sweats and terror of not having a project in on time. I enjoyed this post as I do all of your posts. You seem to have a unique and witty approach to everything! See you tomorrow.
Your essay was completely enjoyable to read. I had an immediate connection to the feeling of being stressed due to procrastination. You managed to really capture those emotions and describe the crazy state your brain goes to when in those types of situations.
Most of the links were very enjoyable to follow and slow the progress I was making in reading the essay. The links definately got better as the essay progressed.
I think I am accomplishing too much by continuing to write... I need to get some laziness accomplished for a few hours...
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