A child about the age of two years was the subject of my observations. About three foot eight, he wore an oversized shirt, a baseball cap, jean shorts, and foam sandals on his feet. His face had a smile on it the entire time as he clumsily ran around.
This observation took place at a camp ground where two groups that could only be explained as two families sat under a gazebo. This little boy's family sat at a metal picnic table with a plethora of food on the table--hotdogs, chips, watermelon, soda pop, bread and butter, and marshmallows. At each person's setting was a plate of watermelon rinds, half-eaten hotdogs, a mess of crumpled napkins, and crushed cans of soda. No one except one lady was actually eating. Seven adults sat with smiles on their looking at this little boy. One couple looked to be in their late twenties--she being pregnant. Another couple looked to be in their thirties--she being pregnant. The oldest couple looked to be in their fifties--the woman being the most energetic one there. The last adult was a teenaged boy who sat on the far end of the picnic table while most of the commotion happened. I wasn't the only one watching this little boy since this group's gaze did not leave him.
As little boy tottled up and down the aisle of picnic tables, the oldest woman jumps off the picnic bench and makes a loud roar at him. He giggles and immediately changes his direction to run away from her. The pregnant woman in her thirties says, "Look out Cyrus, Grandma's going to get you." Again he comes running toward her with a goofy grin on his face. "Grandma" roars again at the little boy when he's almost within reaching distance for her. He giggles even harder and turns around to run the opposite direction. This pattern happens three or four times with the roaring getting even louder and the boy laughing even harder.
When the little boy came running back towards the direction of his grandma, the teenaged boy suddenly appeared from behind "Grandma" with a three foot branch in his hand. His feet were wide spread and his arms high up in the air. His smile was full of metal and he waved the branch as he tromped towards this little boy. He didn't move fast. His motion was slow enough that the little boy had time to stop in his tracks. His smile disappeared. And the laughter was replaced by a high-pitched scream as he ran towards the pregnant woman in her thirties.
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5 comments:
I realize this still needs improvement on the detail of writing and separating fact from my own interpretation. But I wrote about this because it made me wonder where that fine line is between playfully teasing a child and going too far. To me, its funny when that line is accidentally crossed.
I agree with you about the teasing going to far and this is a lovely illustration of it. The Grandma knows how to tease and torment properly but the goofy teenager does not. It's very true to life and I thought it was great. The poor teenager probably always screws up like that.
Sounds like a lighthearted family (at least at a picnic). I like the idea of you observing the boy and the the family, while the family was also observing the boy. This added another dimension.
Only thing I can see is the use of "my observations." Other than that, small grammatical errors and a word ommission "smiles on their looking at this."
Were there any situational, tells, from voice inflection?
At first I thought that too much emphasis was being placed on his surroundings and the people with him because you spend more time describing them in the second paragraph than you do the little boy in the first. But when I realized that all of those people's attention were on him, it made sense. So that was good.
There were two descriptions I wanted more detail on though: First, I wanted to know what the little boy did that made him clumsy and, second, what made his smile goofy. (Although I admit, I'm not sure how I could explain what makes a smile goofy.)
I liked the story and the details about the other people in the story. I thought the details about the food were great too. The only thing I could see to add would be some details about smells and sounds that were going on around the scene. Good job.
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